I don't know what to say really. I am so so hurt, sad, frustrated, angry...so much that the inside of my heart aches with the heaviness. Just day before, I was crying my heart out to this friend of mine and he kept saying I need to stop caring for people and things who don't see my love for them and today I read what I do. It's not the first time really that it was put so harshly across, I had heard it all before from the Meister, and perhaps from many stares, all those whose minds had been filled with the talk. But yet I believed that it would work out fine...once sometime had passed I would go back to sort things out and it would work. But perhaps for the first time today, it's stark on my face that it would not.

If only hating was as easy for me as loving is, I might too have opted for it and gone ahead with making hate posts and doing the hate talk. I know I am not at all expressive with what I feel but I never felt it was that important, so much so that not expressing it everyday translated to hate or envy. Such a foolish incident where I had let my guards down for a while could change so much, I never ever thought in my dreams.

Nonetheless, I do not blame, and I do so very selfishly. Doing that would only take away someting from the best I have in my heart, the memories, the connection that believed was special inspite of the odds. Infact so much so that I tried for two god damned years to fucking fit in, going totally against what I am to be what it might fucking take, but that didn't help did it? Do I wish to re-concile? I don't know really, if that could happen ever...but I swear on anything that I can that I no longer would make another girl friend, because when that ends it really hurts the worst. I could go on and on, but I would burst out crying if I wrote anything more.

KOHL All The Way!

Amidst a lot of drum rolls and trumpets, I announce to all and sundry "I finished one stick of kohl on my own."

Amazed faces? expected. Dissatisfied grunts, expected again. Loads of 'what the hells & hecks, EXPECTED! Try not being shocked and participating in my achievement, coz that really is not expected of anyone in this whole wide world.

I know, it is hardly a thing to perhaps finish a stick of kohl in a span of a year and more. But if you know me as a person, you exactly know how BIG a deal it is for me. I always have to give away or throw any cosmetic that I buy or have, cause I cannot even finish them half and the expiry thingy is over and they all find their smooth and dull ride to my dustbin. Sigh! isn't it. So, now can I expect some 'great job,' 'congratulation,' 'way to go girl,' and 'wishing you a life full of complete costmetic usage...'

I am typical tomboy when it comes to getting decked up and all and only started using make-up as late as say post my post-grad?? And even today, I can't spend even 5 minutes on a regular basis. Also, that everytime I had to throw away stuff, I had this urge to finish one of these thingies totally and then see how it feels to throw away stuff when its used to its potential ;)

Looking forward to buying a new one...Revlon it might be this time, as I heard they have real good kohl sticks ;)

I Kept Thinking After The Anonymous Comment...

In my post titled 'Back In Hyd,' someone anonymously commented "I haven't seen a girl bursting at seams with so many feelings for so many people," and I wonder how many other such things are not expected out of girls. I do not at all blame Mr/Ms anonymous for feeling the way s/he did, so please do not go explaining yourself, I already understand. It's just that we all are conditioned and cultured so well in this whole dichotomy of Girls and Guys that it is only natural of us to behave the way we do, expecting a girl to behave in a particular way and a guy in another. If anyone disobeys, we tend towards judging them, thus making life worth living, I suppose. After all, years of marination in the (popularly called) Indian ethics, culture, and values, can't go waste.

Very frankly, I don't see the point personally in not saying or writing the way you feel, as not saying it won't change a thing for the way you feel. I also do not see a point in stopping yourself from feeling a particular thing, cause anyways you have thought about it. I do not even see a foocking (as the meister puts it) point in then limiting the way a girl/guy is supposed to behave and react to things differently. I am sure all of us have gone through this forward that came a long time back, trying to highlight how biased our education system is. The forward was about this Hindi poem that is taught in the pre-primary or primary schools, it went something like this...

Ram uth, school jaa

Sita uth, pani bhar

Ram padhai kar

Sita roti bana....

I am not too sure about how it really was, but the essence was how we teach kids as young as 4-5 to acquire behaviors which perhaps might not come naturally to them. Just thinking, what would happen, if kids are not taught consciously or sub-consciously to behave as a girl or guy...would they behave more naturally or differently. I know, many who do not de-construct a given fact think all this as bull-shit and are completely aganist this line of thought. But where is really the harm in thinking??

P.S. - I am most certain that I am the most confused person you will ever come across.

A Nice Pic I Came Across

Words can perhaps only take away something that is so beautiful about this pic. So, I would leave it at this.

Back In Hyd

I am back from a longish vacation. Went to a lot of places - Mumbai, Bhopal, Raigarh, Raipur, Nagpur and back today. Loved every bit of the 18 days I was off...except for the train journey from Nagpur to Hyd. It was the worst thing that perhaps has happened to me and the Meister...though the Meister would call his stay in Nagpur the worst. The train was so damn hot with the pantry being just next to our sleeper coach, we kept getting spicy and hot wiffs of everything that was being cooked.

The journey to Mumbai was great. I spent a day there with Sam and made him spend a lot of money on me (out of his own wish, no force was applied). He is the best thing that happened to me in my class 3 and he continues to rock till today. I infact secretly loved him in my school years and the feeling keeps haunting me back on and off. From there we took a train to Bhopal, had loads of fun with Sam, who got lost in trying to understand what and why we feel the way we do for each other. I as usual made numerous faux pas when I kept passing comments on this guy, only to realize he was also going to Bhopal to attend the same wedding as us and from the guys side. Realized it only when we reached Bhopal and the groom came to pick him up :O

Bhopal was a different story altogether...with the wedding and work and all. Sam and me being the great friends that we are :) as always saved Priks ass. Won't mention the details of that here. Its too long a story. Apart from that, it was overall a very emotional experience, as seeing Priks getting married is as good as me getting married.

Post all the wedding work and all I was back in Raigarh. The heaven for me and many like me. Had the most amazing 15 days there, as many of my cousins had luckily took leave during the same time. So, partied harder than ever and spent loads of time together, going any and everywhere we could. I also got a lot of repair work done at home and made my parents proud of their daughter. Overall, it was a fulfilling trip to Raigarh, though everyone in my family took time out to explain to me how important it was for me to get married by end of this year and asked me to look for other greener (i believe) pastures if KT and his family are not ready for marriage by end of feb 2010. So, almost everyday, I had a 1:1 with someone or the other in my family.

Sam being Sam, came all the way back to Raigarh for two days to meet his mom and attend to some family matter and I believe ofcourse for me :). We took the train together from Raigarh while leaving, and so it was a little less painful for me. We as always, never slept and spoke almost till 5 in the morning. One of our co-passengers asked us to keep quite and sleep and so we had to move to neat the door, as our conversation just never ended. We discussed any and everything under the sun...which also included how both our families want us to get married to each other...something very convinient for them, as they have seen us since our childhood and would love to see us married. Though Sam has a GF and I have KT, though both of us still love each other equally....Bachpan Ka Pyaar and all that jazz ;)

After a very long night, I got off at Nagpur and Sam went to Mumbai. Nagpur was a tragic affair as it was so so so damn hot, that the Meister and myself almost started melting. The trian ride as I mentioned was even more horrible, but I troubled the Meister taking a lot of relationship advice and sharing my doubts and concerns. The dude inspite of never having been in a relationship still gives very sound advice and I really respect him for that.

After, being baked in the horrendous train for 10 hours was back in lovely Hyd at around 4:30 am and now back at work with my eyelids refusing to open as I have completed a marathon of three sleepless nights in a strech in all the exhaustion. Kudos, I say to myself.

Proud of my Dad!

I know, its kindda a redundant statement to make, everyone is proud of their Dad's, unless he is really not worth it. 

My dad finally launched his English weekly on the 21st May with the best reception any newspaper has got in our town. We have had a small printing house back at home, and since my grandfather's time we have this evening daily newspaper in hindi - Bayar. I always had heard my papa wishing and dreaming to start an English newspaper, but due to monitary issues, career concerns, and other family responsibilites he never could. But I am so happy that finally his dream came true. It's remarkable to see him at 59 and still having the strength to go achieve his dreams. I am so so so proud of him. It's a weekly English newspaper cum magazine with only 8 pages as of now...that too of a little smaller size than the normal biggish newspapers. 

In his speech in the lauch ceremony, he requested the city folks, "to not judge the newspaper by the size of it, as it is smaller, but said its an initial effort and would expand in terms of pages." He later added why he chose the size, "I decided to keep the size small, as in her growing up years, when I was trying to cultivate the habit of newspaper reading in my younger daughter, she used to come up with this wierd but practical excuse saying the newspaper was too big for her small hands, and it was such a pain to keep folding and opening it. So, this is for my daughter and a lot of such people who find it cumbersome to read large newspapers."

When I got to know about it, I actually remembered the painful mornings when my Dad used to ask me and my sister to read newspapers. I found it really a task to go through this ugly sheets. I am so happy, my Dad kept this in mind while coming up with his newspaper. I only and only wish that it is a success and Papa can achieve everything he has dreamed off. I really have no words to explain how happy, content, and proud I felt on the 21st evening. 

Scribbles - 1

Images float

at the back of my hut

and I still dare not dream

of the nights and days

that could have been.

We never could finish sentences in rhymes

nor could we repeat lines and couplets

but we used strokes and splashes 

of colors and winter afternoons

like a tribal frenzy.

In the moonlit night

fire, stories, and songs

could anything else fit better in a story?

We never had answers or questions

like rocks

What we had

slipped

like sand

from our thin long fingers

and some got stuck

in the crevices

and Dahlia would clean them

with her soft and melancholic hands

There were so many of those

hands

rough, soft, a dark brown, a sickly yellow, shiny palms

but they all loved us and fed us

those summer nights

the same hands would ruffle our hair and make us sleep

My neighbour, 

in her tattered slippers

and me with none

would run across to the other house

the bluish-purple berries

staining our cotton frocks

Yellow and Green afternoons

extended like

ghosts

and Ended.

The river sang Songs,

and we played Hopscotch,

we believed we entertained.

Golden Sqaures where people

scratched their old and wrinkled knees

Did they watch

Others wishing to live lives of the 

Kings & Queens in a pack of cards

Or Did they await death?

So much and many more

beautiful things of our childhood could perhaps 

go 

and write itself beautifully on our graves...

Had a new hairdo which cost me a bomb...debated a long while whether or not I could take such a lavish plunge when people everywhere are dying of hunger. Somehow, convinced myself of it and went ahead. Still feel extremely guilty for having splurged...perhaps it is a small town girl thing which I will never get over. Extravaganza never sits well with my conscience. That apart, the other effect of having spent the sum was sleek and sexy hair...hated it for the first few days but like it now and it gives me a more simple and sleek look somehow.

Started going to the gym again with a new friend made in office. She is pretty simple and nice, so its fun hanging out with her. Both of us have a blast at the gym, and try to shed a few fat flabs that we have.

Worked really hard on a great project at work...and was able to create a very grown up reporting for my team with a lot of graphs, numbers, and pivots :) It is a huge deal for me becuase I never was a number and graph person...

That's how the week was I guess.

The First Few Sketches & Paintings I Did

This birthday, the Meister recognizing my potential with the visual arts gifted me a grand set of poster colors, brushes, and a color palette. Thanks a ton to him, I now have a great way to utilize my time and learn something new. The sketch I did seeing it from one of the sketch books I bought for myself trying to learn how to sketch. I am so proud of myself that I did these, back at school I could not even draw a straight line or a good enough circle. I was really pathetic. I know, these are nothing great, but they give me hope that perhaps with more practise, I could realize one of my dream of painting and sketching good someday. 

Missed My Train :(

I have this recurring dream (though I see it in very long intervals of months or even years) where I miss a train in a particular station which is quite close by my hometown, usually it is Champa (a small town in Chattisgarh which sells very good samosaas, btw) some other times it is Jharsugda (another very small town in Orrissa, we relish the Chenapura from there).

It always happens the very same way in my dream, while my train is entering the station I think to myself that ok this is a station with a comparatively longer stopage but not long enough that I go out of the station to buy some wierd stuff or meet friends living in the city or I will miss the train. I also suddenly see sequences where I am interacting with my fellow passengers to whom I have been aloof all this while. The train finally stops, I get down, and straight walk out of the station, outside I am either in my old school, or college hostel, or any place which could not logically have been there. By the time I am back at the station, I can see the tail of the train smoothly gliding from the far end of the station. Sometime, I even run behind it and only once have I been able to catch it. Last night, in the dream, I asked an auto wala to take me to a nearest station so that I can catch the train there and we had an adventurous journey till the next station and I am able to catch the train. 

Another, recurrent dream is I am in a place where the airport and the railway station are next to each other and I always go to the railway station thinking it to be the airport and this sentry has to direct me back to the right place. On reaching the airport, I always have lost my flight ticket and have to go to this glass counter where I need to talk to the concerned guy and convince him to give me a new copy of the same ticket looking for my name in their database. Having done that, I manage to just reach on time and then I dream of different things while I am in the aircraft. 

Actually, come to think of it since childhood I have had a couple of such dreams which I keep coming back to time and again. I really really wish I could have their interpretations sometime.

Planted My Plants :)

In my last post I had mentioned about the initiatives our office took and is planning on taking on/for Earth day. As part of one of those initiatives indoor plants were distributed to all those who wanted them. Since, very few people showed interest, instead of one I got three plants to take home with me :)Since, all this was in the middle of the week, I did not get the time to buy pots and had to keep them in the mud sack they came in for almost two days. 

Saturday came in with a beautiful weather and a brother who kept calling and did not let me sleep in the afternoon arrrgh. With nothing much to do, I went out to buy pots for my pretty plants and got three prettiest pots possible (those ceramic ones, with very bright paintings on them). Then went to this street-side nursery to buy mud to fill the pots with...the auto guy was really really nice and helped me unload and carry the mud filled heavy pots to my apartment and did not even ask for extra money for all the waiting and carrying. In my house with the beautiful pots, I did all the cleaning, digging, and planting. It was quite a task to not harm the plants while taking them out of their sacks. I cleant and watered the plants and the pot and placed them in three corners in my living room. The fresh wet green of the plant and the shiny blue, brown, yellow paints of the ceramic make my whole room look so neat and lively. I love it.

Since the time, I planted them - me and my roommate have been oggling at the plants and trying to see if we need to water them or shift them here and there :)We almost are getting too attached to them in just two days. So, for anyone who needs a very nice hobby and wants to make their living room a little more pretty -Go ahead buy some plants.

Would try and post some pics of them once they grow a little. Till then, I shall have the fun of watching them grow and taking care of them, yay!

Earth Day!

Today is the Earth day and I think it is a nice time for each one of us to remind ourselves of terms like... renewable energy, planting trees, recycling stuff, optimal usage of natural resources and all.

Exactly two weeks back, our office in anticipation of today and its corporate social responsibility, asked us to submit ideas that we could come up with which we could use during this one week we decided to contribute to our environment. I usually am the last person in our office to submit and contribute towards any office activities...and I know it is nothing to be proud of. Yet, for a change I thought of submitting this idea that I feel very strongly for and about which I have been thinking for a while now - Reducing usage of or Removing Plastic Bags from our lives. 

After submitting this idea, I finally launched on my personal war against plastic bags, and amazingly enough I have not used them for exactly two weeks today. Though let me admit upfront that I was really really bad when it came to polluting earth with plastics. So, two weeks does seem a big deal. There are some problems that I am still looking solutions for some very genuine problems that I would face very soon. Like how do I buy pulses and rice and stuff like that if I am buying them from the supermarket. They usually come in packaged plastic bags. Also, how do I keep vegetables in the fridge. I usually used to buy them from the veg kiosks in plastic bags and stuff them directly in the fridge. I have heard about some plastic boxes but the whole idea seems cumbersome. 

I think the whole idea behind this post was to just make the presence felt of newbies in this field and give some comfort if at all any to those who are scared of taking the first step. I just wanted to say it loud that I am 26 and I have only taken my very first step towards making earth a cleaner and better place. Hope I  learn more as I venture forth. 

P.S. - Would love more ideas on how I could carry forth my mission against plastic bags further.

Is it too late or early?

Is it too late my luv?

to write...

to write all that I lived for

27

the count never stops

am I late for the only thing

that was supposed to be me?

A new life,

with all its new ways

beckons.

Yet I stay 

the very same way.

Still & silent.

The empty road

leads back to my house

just the way the other crowded one.

Is it a game?

I play to pass my time?

or is it nothing at all?

No longer 

I pretend

to be happy

and young.

I wish 

I live 

and love

till I die.

Tagged By Rajtilak aka The Chronicles Of R

I know it is a lil delayed, but did not really have the time or energy in the past few days.
1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE?
I was named after this tonic named Bunnyshon/Bonyshon (not sure how it is spelled) it was one of the tonics that I was given as a baby and my mom really liked the good it did to me so was named bunny. 

2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED?
Last night, while I was watching P.S I Love You :(. I can cry really bad watching movies.

3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
Yes, I do. But it could be better.

4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT?
Chicken.

5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS?
No.

6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU?
Of course I would be.  I am wonderful and a very loyal friend to have.

7. DO YOU USE SARCASM?
Sometimes, when I see the nedd to.

8. DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS?
Yes. I have everything with which I was born except for the umbical cord may be.

9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP?
Yes sure...that is one of the things I really want to try.

10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL?
Rice & Corn (maize).

11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF?
Never. Too lazy or careless for that.

13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM?
Vanilla, Butter Scotch, & Black Current.

14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE?
It's wierd but I notice their nose. 

15. RED OR PINK?
Would go with red. 

16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF?
My foot. It is really really ugly.

17. WHO DO YOU MISS THE MOST? The question could be twiked for what as well!
I miss being at home, in Raigarh my home town, with my cousins, celebrating Holi, the list is really endless.

18. DO YOU WANT EVERYONE TO COMPLETE THIS LIST?
Yes, if they have the time and inclination.

19. WHAT COLOR PANTS AND SHOES ARE YOU WEARING?
I am wearing a washed blue denims and my shoes are washed black canvas kinds.

21. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW?
My breath and my cube mates typing on their laptops.

22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE?
Yellow or fresh Green. 

23. FAVORITE SMELLS?
My mother's & KT's skin, smell of earth after the first shower, my new perfume Deneude. 

24. WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU TALKED TO ON THE PHONE?
KT! 

25. DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU?
Yes,  ofcourse would like to know him more. Hardly know anything about him except he is an avid blogger and is good at it.

26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?
Football, tennis, my nephew running here and there talking gibberish.

27. HAIR COLOR?
Black. I think.

28. EYE COLOR?
Dark brown.

29. DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS?
No, I don't need to. I have a perfect 20-20 eyesight.

30. FAVORITE FOOD?
Home made anything. 

32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED?
Last night I re-watched P.S. I Love You. I am in this chick flick mode.

33. WHAT COLOR SHIRT ARE YOU WEARING?
Black Tees.

34. SUMMER OR WINTER?
Winter for its lazy spread out afternoons, Summer for its cool & well lit evenings, rains just for the reason it rains anytime.

35. HUGS OR KISSES?
Both in their own time.

37. MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
All depends on my mood really.

38. LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND?
ummm...just to not copy it from Rajtilak...lemme think...off late I think, "How are you?" & "How was your weekend?"

39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW?
None as of now. Plan on starting with Women As Lovers.

40. WHAT IS ON YOUR MOUSE PAD?
Ripples!

41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT?
According to Jim, if I remember right.

42. FAVORITE SOUND(S).
My nephew's voice, rain drops on leaves, silence.

43. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES?
Beatles.

44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME?
The US.

45. DO YOU HAVE A SPECIAL TALENT?
Yes, I have very strong intuitions which are almost always come true especially about death.

46. WHERE WERE YOU BORN?
In a hospital in Raigarh.

47. WHOSE ANSWERS ARE YOU LOOKING FORWARD TO GETTING?
Dunno.

48. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER?
We were very good friends and class mates during our masters.

If anyone is willing to write about this please go ahead and get tagged. 

Things I wish to Learn/Do

I have been wanting to learn/do a few things for sometime now. It is funny how when I had all the time while I was studying I never took any initiative to do any of those. Now, when I am working and five days of the week passes in front of the laptop, I so so want to learn/do one or all of the things. Most of this wish list is to do with my trying to indulge and enhance my artistic self. Just to list a few of them,

1. I want to learn how to sing well.

2. I want to learn the guitar. (sadly, I even own a guitar from the past three years and still have not managed to learn it)

3. I want to join Yoga.

4. I want to learn how to sketch. (I tried learning from sketch books at home and was not really bad, but stopped)

5. I want to learn how to read and write Bangla. (I can manage to speak with a lot of mistakes here and there)

6. All my life now I have been wanting to read and write more...so I think that goes without saying.

7.  I want to do a huge glass painting.

8. I want to learn harmonium.

9. I want to re-work on my MA dissertation.

10. I want to make a short film, howmuch ever amateurish it end up becoming.

11. I want to work with an orphange as a vocation.  

I think, I need to just start on a few. For the first one, I will need to ask UG to give me the phone number of the lady who takes singing classes and talk to her to fix the class dates. To learn Bangla I think I should ask KT or the Meister to help me as they are available at all odd hours. Even, I could talk to the Meister and have this F2F (friend to friend) classes where I teach him Hindi and he can teach me bangla. For guitar, I guess someone who knows any guitar teacher in Hyd could pass me the number. 

I got two of my small glass paintings framed and they look beautiful, so I think that will motivate me to do a bigger one now. I have to figure where my MA dissertation is and then could perhaps start revising it chapter by chapter, may be even talk to my previous guide :)

I could do so many things, just that I need to start somewhere. I think I need more people like the Meister around me, who go follow their heart and instincts and get things done, I think that will motivate me. 

Just to let all those who read this - This is my 100th post!

Considering, I have been blogging for over two years now, that looks pretty bad, doesn't it?

Been Busy

I have been really busy for the past two weeks. So much so that the whole of this week I have gone back home around 9 or 10 pm everyday and for the rest of the days in the week, I don't think its going to be any different.

That was my reason for not posting anything for this long. The day, I made my last post, I went to Puri for a 4-5 days fun trip. Had a great time there. Have been wanting to post about it for sometime, but then again was either too tied up with work or very tired. Now, the experience seems so long back that it feels I would do injustice if I write about it now.

I don't really know why I am making this no-sense post, not that any of you is really interested in knowing the why's in my life. I think, I am just trying to overcome the guilt of not having written anything for a long time. 

February, was very much all about work and the trip to Puri. I just managed to read one book. Did not even open another, inspite of the huge plans I had for reading...for which I even got a Shelfari cupboard of books.

bye bye to busy february and welcome to a hopeful march for more fun times.

This One too is for my Cab mate...

I Do sound as if I have ahuge fan following and I am some popular writer. But couldn't get a better title.
This Post is also for all those who are disgusted by the word "feminism".
This way I am also letting you deceide whether you want to read this or not...
This is a lilttle bit of information on about what feminism is not
1. Feminism to start with is not all/only about women out with lathis on the road, bashing up men at every opprtunity.
2. Feminism is also not exclusive of housewives and women who are introvert, non-modern rather traditional.
3. Feminism is also not only about women smoking and drinking.
4. Feminism is not just about "bra burning"
5. Feminism is not synonymous to not understanding things and making an issue out of it all the time.
6. Feminism is not inconsiderate.

and perhaps Feminism should not be a thing of the upper class/ caste women.

Feminism is a better way of living for women!

This and much much more human is feminism!

hope it helps all those who misunderstand it and me too.

Amen!

Re: Can I use the banned word

I am re-posting this one, as I wanted one of my cab-mates to read this and didn't want him searching for the post.

Let me be all hush-hush while I use it. If someone hears me using it, who knows the next thing they do is hang me...
finally the much debated, hated, and contemplated a word appears in my blog...F E M I N I S M !
Watched Paromita Vohra's documentary "unlimited girls", good I would say for the issues that it raises. 

Is feminism an ideology for ugly women? 
Isn't being a woman reason enough to be a feminist?
Do we have to know the history and everything that went into getting FEMINISM the platform where it stands today?
Agreed one needs to know, but perhaps one cannot dismiss somebody just because s/he hasn't read the literature on feminism. 
Whatever!
It's surprising how somebody in her interview said that she is afraid to have freedom, cause at the end of the day it leaves her tired of the social structure. 

Is it enough for women like me and anybody reading this that Feminism today functions perfectly well just in our lives? 

Do not we need to push it further so that it reaches to lives of all women? Shall we happily wrap up our mouths and mumble things that only we can hear, and be happy and 'thankful' of the situation we are in today? Is it enough to say that it is necessary that women be emancipated and let others fight for the cause? And in the end of it all say something like
"these Feminists are here to create Chaos !"
Sigh! lastly do we accept any and everything in the name of a culture that teaches us to be filth and nothing more?
do we
do we
do we!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

An Excerpt From my MA Dissertation - Stereotyping Women In Lifestyle Magazines

When I was born, they looked at me and said: 'What a good boy, what a smart boy, what a strong boy!' And when you were born, they looked at you and said: 'What a sweet girl, what a beautiful girl, what a pretty girl!'" "What A Good Boy," The Barenaked Ladies. 

For several decades now, media critics and feminists alike have been examining the role of the media in creating and reinforcing stereotypical representations of women and femininity. But only recently have they expanded the research to consider how the media also constructs, informs and reinforces prevalent ideas about men and masculinity, which in the process also builds a stereotypical notion of femininity. Take for instance ‘Masculinity and Men’s Lifestyle Magazine’ a book by Beethan Benwell which deals in detail how stereotypes of masculinity are formed by the media or a book by Jonathan Bignell ‘Media Semiotics: An Introduction’ which talks about the semiotics of advertisements in both Men’s and Women’s magazines and how women are framed as sexual objects in this all male world of media.
. What remains my concern in this paper is to try to figure out the ways in which these magazines in the process of constructing a stereotypical masculine identity, continue to relegate women to the background and, in doing so, are examples of social backlash directed against specific gains made by women in the paid labor force, mass media industries and other professions. It is true that it is no coincidence that as women are achieving greater social, political and professional equality, these magazines symbolically relegate them to subordinate positions as sex objects and objects of recreation for men. And it is also true when we often complain that the pressure put on women through ads, television, film and new media to be sexually attractive—and sexually active—is profound, more perhaps today than during any other times. Is it then to say that women who have now begun realizing their potential, which for long had been suppressed, are threatening the long and well preserved superior subject positions occupied by men? This is however not to say that Men’s magazines deliberately and visibly try to undermine the gains made by women, yet to suggest that the way in which a woman appears in these magazines through there articles and their advertisements is such that the only aspect of her that can be highlighted is nothing but her body and her intelligence is often made fun of. There are recurrent articles in Man’s World about how 10 famous men in India rate such and such woman’s sex appeal, or who according to ten business tycoons are the five sexiest women India/world. These magazines also deride women by showing them in low light through cartoons, take for instance a cartoon where a woman come in with a packet of oil n complains to her husband saying the shopkeeper cheated her by not giving the 100% cholesterol free that is mentioned in the pack etc. and most importantly, how they handle women etc. What is interesting however in these magazines is that they take women to be this object available to be seduced by good looks and manners of men. The tone of the magazine especially in its ‘Dr. Know’ (a section that deals with the problems the readers ask) is such that it relegates women to this inferior objectified level. The tone in this section is always filled with sarcasm with this assumed cool attitude towards life, and a kind of rhetoric that is filled with wit and humour which never answers questions in a serious, responsible direct way.Whereas in a women’s magazine the problems whatever it may be is invariably dealt with more seriousness and concern even when the question is from a man. What can be the reason for such a wide difference in the treatment of almost the same issues? Here comes the question of stereotypes as in why do the men’s magazines mostly have this kind of a comic approach to questions relating to the private realm? Has it something to do with the fact of creating stereotypical identities of masculinity and feminity which exist in society – to say a silly, emotional, infantile female who needs to discuss such matter of fact things as against a more mature man who does not need such advices.

P.S - I am thinking on starting up again on my dissertation. May be I will begin with re-writing it and then take it further.

Ramblings. You don't really need to read this.

It is such a pain to discuss marriage, see people getting married, your mother wanting you to be married, your roomate moving out because she is getting married, and your about to be married friends trying to convince you to get married, and your sister telling you that you are already almost 27....and marriage, marriage, marriage....

I had been intending to make this post sometime last week or the beginning of this week. But due to a lot of work could not do so. And now, I am trying my best to recollect and write about the dislike I had developed in the last few days towards discussing anything to do with marriage. It is not that I have anything inherently againgst marriage of people getting married. It is different that off late, I fail to see the need for it immediately in my life. Also, the fact that due to some reasons, I can't get married in this year, leads me to not think about getting married in the near future :)

On top of all this, my best friend is getting married in May, so she constantly wants to discuss about dresses, and her fiance, and other marriage details. Then there is my roomate who is moving back to her hometown, as her marriage is fixed for June. Then there is other college friend who is getting married end of this month. Then there is my mother who wants to talk about it twice or thrice over the week. All this just burst my own tiny bubble for marriage I think. I do want to get married, but I think there is far too much talk which is just annoying me.

The other day, this couple friend who are getting married came to invite me for their wedding and asked me about my plans for the same and counselled me standing at my door, when I was extremely sleepy and ready to hit the bed, about how I should just go ahead and get married and not think a lot about it. God, in the depressing life that I have where I go to work, come back, cook, read a bit, and sleep...marriage has become another depressing things to talk about. 

I am bored, sleepy, tiered, and I think I do not want to work. Not that my work is boring or anything. But I just don't to come and see the stupid faces everyday. I am sick of seeing the same people everyday. I am sure they are sick of me too. I am undecided about what I want to do with my life ahead...and to add to all this, ruthlessly people want me to take a decision on marriage and more ruthless people want me to just get married. Sometimes, I wonder, what will they get out of the whole thing. Sometimes, I also think I do want to get married. 

I think I am thinking and all this, because I want to postpone this work I need to start on and knowing that I will be stuck in office till some 10 in the night...I don't feel like getting started. I am so sick of the whole routine that life has become that I don't know what to do about it. As I told Serendipiduous today over phone, when he called to say he has chicken pox, I am living my life from lunch breaks to lunch breaks and dinners to dinners. Though, by this I did not want to say that the only interest that is remaining in me is to eat a lot. Infact, I am bored of that too. But I said it anyways, because I was about to go for my lunch break. 

I read this collection of short stories 'Dancing Girls,' which if you notice in my previous posts, I read half in January. The stories are really wierd. They have no ending, and a trial of a beginning. Though, this does not make them bad stories at all. Some of them are really nice, like 'Under Glass,' 'Hair Jewellery,' 'Rape Fantasies,' and others which I can't remember. I am planning on starting Thousand Splendid Suns, I think before starting, I am going to ask Meister about how he liked it. The Meister read the book in his office, I think that could be one of the reasons why one of his boss hates him. 

I had left off at this point, when I had a team meeting where a guy presented about this movie Indian. Something about a bike, racing, and dreaming. This presentation thing is a dumb initiative my team (with me in it) has taken to improve on our presentation skills. As if any of these things help. Not to the un-initiated people like me.  While the meeting was on, the Meister read this and was angry about me spoiling his name/fame in the blogging world by associating him to (apparently) intellectual books. So, I withdraw my statement above about the Meister having read Thousand Splendid Suns. 

Everyone seems like bored or tiered of their present life. We all need change, but we are too scared to take a step towards it. Too lazy, I think. I sure am. 

I am hitting on the publish button after every few lines or so. So, if someone does take the effort to read this post. They might see half sentences as well. 

I am going to Puri in two more days. I so wish, I have a good time there. Sometimes, I feel like just taking a week off and staying at home. From puri, I plan a trip alone to Konark. Me and Serendipiduous  had a nice chat over this on how I will pretend to be a Firang....in this trip of mine.

OK. I need to go sit with a colleague of mine and work on some stupid office stuff. I will continue rambling later when I feel like and have the time.