Once In Love Always in Love

I wanted to make a post about how I am done with all my preparations for my Michigan trip where the temperature is sub-zeros around this time of the year. I wanted to write about how Ma painfully got all my woolens out & got them washed with EZ, as being in Hyd one never gets to wear them so they had been lazily sitting under my box-bed. How she helped me pick up the best thermals, woolen socks, & everything else that was required. How she finished packing all the stuff that I am going to take & also the ones which I am not into two different suitcases. I would be gone for 6 weeks & she does not want dust to settle on the ones I am leaving behind. Mothers indeed are elaborately loving :) With two more days before I leave, I am getting a little nervous about travelling to the US with no assistance whatsoever, but I am sure its going to be a good & fun adventure. Amen! to that & moving to what I titled this post about, though again I think I have lost interest on that as well :O

But instead, I wandered off to another blog & read some stuff on being in love & loosing the one you loved. I sure have been at both the ends so I know how it is, or at least so I think. I have lost a lot of people I loved to death, but never lost anyone I was romantically attached to another person or never had a break-up which was never initiated by me. So, I perhaps do not understand it in that respect. Somehow, when we talk about love the only angle that people assume it to be is the romantic. So, let me play to the gallery & talk about the Love that is popular. Love as many of us say is often used in a very random manner...

Ok this got discontinued there, had a meeting for an hour, went to Shilparamam, & then lunch. So, knowing my mood swings, I am out of the mood & will end this abruptly here :(

Mera Shahar

नींद से कहीं दूर
मिलती थी वोह
अकेले, चुप-चाप.

इस बार का बादल पिला नहीं
लाल होगा
कहा था
रात के अँधेरे में.

मेरा शहर झलकता हर बार
उसकी अधखुली आँखों से
नींद में चौंधियाये
और भी अच्छे लगते
हलके भूरे.

सुनहली धूप चमचमाती
नदी की चादर
अक्सर ओढ़ती,
बुदबुदाती मंत्र.
और फिर गुम हो जाती
अनंत के सफ़र में.

मेरा शहर लौटता
दबे पाव, पिछले आंगन में.

शहर से बहुत दूर
होती शहर की बातचीत
उसमें बीतता बचपन और बुढापा
कभी माँ दीखती टहलती पहचाने रास्तों में
कभी सीमा अब अपने बच्चों को स्कूल भेजती.

इतने दूर से आवाज़
नहीं पहुचती थी
घर के काई लगे आँगन में.
माँ कैसे बुनेगी गीत सोहर के?
कैसे कहेगी किस्से?
गाएगी वोह सरे गीत जो भेजती हूँ
मैं इस सुदूर शहर से...

The first key to writing is to write & not to think. Sometimes the simple rythm of typing gets us from page 1 to page 2, & when you begin to feel your own words, start typing them. That's how your novel begins...

Something Interesting

'Fat clubs' thriving in America

American nightclubs catering specifically for fat people are proving a hit with plus-sized partygoers looking for acceptance.

Club Bounce in Long Beach, California. The club is specifically aimed at attracting overweight individuals Photo: AP

Venues like Club Bounce and The Butterfly Lounge in California are aimed at people who may be made to feel unwelcome at certain fashionable nightspots because of their size.

Such clubs are a relatively new development, with a handful scattered across California, mainly in coastal cities such as San Diego and San Francisco.

She said: "I don't think fat is a bad word any more. I think a lot of people embrace it now.Lisa Marie Garbo, who opened Club Bounce five years ago, said she did it for herself and others who were tired of being "the only fat girl at the local nightclub".

"I'm not a gain-weight advocate or anything like that. My message to people is live your life no matter what size you are."

Club Bounce, with a capacity of 400, attracts relatively equal numbers of men and women. However, while about three-quarters of the women tend to be heavy, only a quarter of the men are.

The existence of such venues has raised healthquestions in a country where, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, one-third of adults are already obese.

But Lynn McAfe, of the Council On Size and Weight Discrimination, said: "It's nice to have a place to go where you can do a little flirting and maybe bring your thin sister or somebody from work who isn't fat, and they'll be in your world for a while."

"That's an amazing experience for a lot of people who aren't fat, to spend a day or night in a world of fat people."

Vanessa Gray, a Club Bounce customer, added: "When you're not what they consider ideal and you're out there trying to get your dance on at those other places, you get the looks, the stares. But not here. Everything's accepted here."

I took the free ColorQuiz.com personality test!""Has a strong desire to contribute and influence o..." Click here to read the rest of the results.

Unbelievable If This Is True

Unable to attract even a single girl, frustrated man sues Axe

New Delhi. In what could prove to be a major marketing and legal embarrassment for Hindustan Unilever Limited (HUL), a 26-year-old man has filed a case against the FMCG company, which owns the Axe brand of men grooming products, for ‘cheating’ and causing him ‘mental suffering’. The plaintiff has cited his failure to attract any girl at all even though he’s been using Axe products for over seven years now. Axe advertisements suggest that the products help men in instantly attracting women.

Vaibhav Bedi, the petitioner, also surrendered all his used, unused and half-used deodorant sprays, perfume sticks and roll-ons, anti-perspirants, aftershaves, body washes, shampoos, and hair gels to the court, and demanded a laboratory test of the products and narcotics test of the brand managers of Axe. Vaibhav was pushed to take this step when his bai (maid) beat him with a broom when he tried to impress her by appearing naked in front of her after applying all the Axe products.

No girl ever asked Vaibhav to call her

“Where the Hell is Axe effect? I’ve been waiting for it for over seven years. Right from my college to now in my office, no girl ever agreed to even go out for a tea or coffee with me, even though I’m sure they could smell my perfumes, deodorants and aftershaves. I always applied them in abundance to make sure the girls get turned on as they show in the television. Finally I thought I’d try to impress my lonely bai who had an ugly fight with her husband and was living alone for over a year. Axe effect my foot!” Vaibhav expressed his unhappiness.

Vaibhav claims that he had been using all the Axe products as per the company’s instructions even since he first bought them. He argued that if he couldn’t experience the Axe effect despite using the products as directed, either the company was making false claims or selling fake products.

“I had always stored them in cool and dry place, and kept them away from direct light or heat. I’d always use a ruler before applying the spray and make sure that the distance between the nozzle and my armpit was at least 15 centimeters. I’d do everything they told. I even beat up my 5-year-old nephew for coming near my closet, as they had instructed it to keep away from children’s reach. And yet, all I get is a broom beating from my ugly bai.” Vaibhav expressed his frustration.

Vaibhav claims that he had to do go a lot of mental suffering and public humiliation due to the lack of Axe effect and wants HUL to compensate him for this agony. An advocate in Karkardooma court, who happened to mistake Vaibhav for some deodorant vendor when he entered the court premises with all the bottles, has now offered to take up his case in the court. HUL has been served a legal notice in this regard.

HUL has officially declined to comment on the case citing the subject to be sub judice, but our sources inform that the company was worried over the possible outcomes of the case. The company might argue that Vaibhav was hopelessly unattractive and unintelligent and didn’t possess the bare minimum requirements for the Axe effect to take place. Officially HUL has not issued any statement, but legal experts believe that HUL could have tough time convincing the court.

“HUL might be tempted to take that line of argument, but it is very risky. There is no data to substantiate the supposition that unattractive and unintelligent men don’t attract women. In fact some of the best looking women have been known to marry and date absolutely ghoulish guys. I’d suggest that the company settles this issue out of court.” noted lawyer Ram Jhoothmalani said.

I Like Somerset Maugham

As always, I caught up late with Maugham. Had read a very few short stories earlier when KT & Roshni's enthusiasm for Maugham had made me curious & they insisted on me reading them. But had dropped the thick book out of tediousness on my part rather than the stories being uniteresting. That was almost 2 years back. Since then had been planning on buying his books.

I think last month on a sudden book shopping spree with the Meister went to Walden and bought a couple of Maughm. Have finished reading Cakes & Ales (the book by which Maughm wanted to be remembered) & The Moon & Sixpence. Loved Cakes & Ales but I am mesmerized by The Moon & Sixpence. Its one of the best books I have read. The narrative is explicitly simple that you fall in love with it. The book is very Maughm with his matter of fact narration & his sardonic sentences. His wit is unabashed & his style un-compared. The Moon & Sixpence is a fragmentary documentation inspired by the life of Paul Gauguin (leading post impressionist painter) who was believed to have left his wife & children on a mere whim that he wanted to paint, at a time when he knew hardly how to hold a paint brush. The way Maughm describes the protagonist Charles Strickland, drawing from Paul Gauguin's personality, is exquisite & grand. He lingers on the most annoying of Gauguin's characteristics but without any hint of moral or social judgement (atleast I could not find any) and yet makes the readers like him. He intervenes as the author when he has something more than Strickland to talk about, his notes, his observations, or even to mention why he chose a particular way of telling the facts he had about Ganguin. His narrative has a very objective POV, but at the same time we know he is empathizing and understanding Gauguin's peculiar ways.

I have read a couple more documented biographies, even Marquez's 'Clandestine in Chile' written on similar lines, but Maugham style in The Moon & Sixpence is un-believable. I am completely in love with the book & would recommend it to anyone without blinking once. Some excerpts from the book below which might not show all that I wrote above but these are lines which struck home...

"There is no cruelty greater than a woman's to a man who loves her & whom she does not love; she has no kindness then, no tolerance even, she has only an insane irritation."

There were a lot more that I wanted to give here from the book, but being in office without the book makes it a little difficult. Would do it later when I re-read the book at leisure & mark some lines to share.

My manager beckons us for a team-meeting now...will continue later.

P.S.- The flow if broken can't come back after some exciting news at work-front. Back from the meeting - It was just announced that I would be travelling to the US next month for 5-6 weeks :) what fun!!!

Past

The best thing about a past relationship that dazzles or rather entertains you in the present is that you always reminiscence the best things about it, the classic romance & its high feel, the never-ending walks you had, etc., and the rest is a blank. This perhaps puts the present relationship in not so much a good light, as you are still coping with the traumas an existing relationship brings with it. Sadly, we all need to grind our teeth and put up a smile and bear it and if you want wait for a time when the tables turn. This for sure is the best way to handle a situation of the past.

Bhakti...Love...& My Grandma

I was talking to serendipiduous about me and he mentioned two things which struck out -

1. I have a very masculine view of life

2. I am blindly/unconditionally in love with KT, which he finds inspirational.

About the first point, perhaps I will talk in a separate blog.

About the fact about blind love for KT, again I will talk about in a new post. Infact, I would ask KT to make a post about it too, or better we could do a post together. Because, amongst my very close friends in Hyd, I have known a lot of people who adore the fact that we have stuck with each other so long and love seeing us that way...and a few others who pretend they like it but abhor it at heart.

About the second again, somehow while talking to serendipiduous, I was reminded of mymama (a word for grandmother in oriya/chattisgarhi) when he said he might never know what love is.

She is somewhere between 80-90 years old and still insists on following all the rituals that her body allows her. Being the one, who used to accompany her to temples and the one who read out the Bhagvad Gita, The Krishna Puran, The Mahabharat, The Ramayana, while she could not read it herself, I generally have had a lot of time to talk to her about religion, rituals, and all the fasts she keeps, etc. Obviously enough, seeing her old and struggle through all her rituals and fasts, I have advised her innumerable times to skip them and take care of her health instead. That there is no need for such rituals and sometimes even tried to push my half-modern, half-formed views of atheism or better say lack of religious rituals or religion that I try to follow. She always resisted my attempts saying, it is important for her to do all those things, that Bhakti is the state that she wanted to attain, that is the only thing keeping her going at her age. It was hard for me to understand what she really meant by Bhakti. For my ignorant mind Bhakti most often than not translates to being religious and for me my grandma was infact very religious. Epitome perhaps.

Last time when I visited home, she wasn't keeping that well, so I spent a lot of my late morning hours with her helping her with her pooja and other stuff. Once, while I was reading out the Geeta to her, she asked me if I really understood what she meant by Bhakti. It was no use showing my malformed intelligence to her, she would have seen through it in a jiffy. So, I just nodded my head for a no, perplexed at having her read my mind. She very nicely explained, Bhakti was devotion, complete submission of the self, unconditional love....and many more synonyms followed. She said, when me and all my cousins were kids, she saw un-comparable bhakti in each of us, bhakti for our parents & grandparents, bhakti for our teachers, bhakti for our older siblings/cousins. And curious enough, I asked, doesn't she see it in us now? She didn't answer that directly, but instead said bhakti can be attained only by simplicity and you need a simple heart, mind, and soul for it. Fair enough, I thought.

While writing all this, I was visualizing mama in her bade bhittar (chattisgarhi for big inner room) with the new fan, I replaced this time I was home, making slow circles over her head, she staring at it, perhaps thinking about all her clan, about her childhood, waiting for one of us, one of her grandchildrens to return home, packing some of the goodies she always has hidden for us. Its funny, but she remembers how each one of us is fond of a particular delicacy only she makes and would bring it out from her wooden almirah, when we go to meet her even today. For me it was always, the sweet n sour aam papda she makes during summers :)

A plea,
a soft murmer
and a silence.
Your fingers tap
the rythm,
of my death
on a rosary
I panic
I cry
yet finally
I die-
I meet you in snow
and smile
a dying
yet so living a smile.

Smiles disappear

at times when I die

and reappear again with

a timeless birth.

Haunted pasts

flash

not like memories

but something more

alive and vivid.

Life told stories

and sang songs

when alive

now when dead

will it retell the same stories

of a yellow verandah

and chillies strewn

over the concrete tiled floor

A Song That Haunted me For Most Of This Weekend

aaj kal mein dhal gayaa, din huaa tamaam
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa, din huaa tamaam
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa

so gayaa chaman chaman, so gayi kali-kali
so gaye hain sab nagar, so gayi gali-gali
so gayaa chaman chaman, so gayi kali-kali
so gaye hain sab nagar, so gayi gali-gali
neend kah rahi hai chal, merii baanhe thaam,
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa

hai bujhaa-bujhaa sa dil, bojh saans-saans par
jee rahe hain phir bhi ham, sirf kal ki aas par
hai bujhaa-bujhaa sa dil, bojh saans-saans par
jee rahe hain phir bhi ham, sirf kal ki aas par
kah rahi hai chaandni, leke teraa naam,
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa

kaun aayegaa idhar, kiski raah dekhen ham
jinki aahten suni, jaane kiske the kadam
kaun aayegaa idhar, kiski raah dekhen ham
jinki aahten suni, jaane kiske the kadam

apnaa koi bhi nahin, apne hain to Raam,
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa, din huaa tamaam

An amazing song from the movie Beti Bete, sung by Rafi & Lata. A must listen to all those who like Lata & Rafi and music in general. I sang/hummed this song on fiday night & saturday morning only to forget it for another 8-10 hours and remembered it on late saturday night. Posting it in here for future times when I have a blackout again and don't spend excruciating hours trying to remember it. Just heard the song five times and hoping many more rounds of it.

Collage Of Blog titles I came Across

Closure! oh! my poor poor sun While I have nothing To Write About

today I am in a mood to cry This explains a lot doesn't it the corrupt soul and i am Foocking dead

The Unknown Chronicles...We Shall Rebel Untitled

SILENT TEAR do you remember me?

2 of Us uptide and low tide, Sunshine Soul!, Achievement Unlocked

MY BEST Red-faced FIGHT!

Explicit Introduction

Lyrics - Poet and Guitar Project & Learning English

Caricatures for Deutsche Bank employees

Has the moon turned blue ??!!

Let Me Be

Each line is the title of more than one blog post...but it almost looks to me they went together. Am I delirious or is it true that it looks like they belong to each other?

While I have nothing To Write About.

While I have nothing to write about and I have been away from blogging for a while, I thought it best to make my presence felt by sharing few of my Fav Eddie Izzard's videos:

Do You Have A Flag? Cake Or Death?

Techno Fear: Part 1

Supermarket Psychology

Languages

Handshakes & Looking Cool

Machines That Lie

How To Choose A Martial Arts

I have been an Izzard fan for a while now, got to hear about him from a friend and since then have been hooked on and off. Its a must watch for all of you who like stand up comedian artists. Have fun Watching them.

About the Stupidest Post

After having taken my time to sort things in my own little head, I realize the post where I went on and on about ranting "how hurt and crushed I was...blah blah blah..." was the stupidest thing, I could have done. My bad, I really take back everything I said. It was an emotional moment and I slipped. I only pity that I did that. Its no excuse yet, I feel better having said that.

I am done and over with the drama about the whole thing. I hope, I can move on now. First thing towards moving on is I am going on this wonderful trip with my best friend ever to Goa...really really excited and looking forward to it. I realize, I should just stick to my 'triumphant trio' for friends and things work out just fine for me. No mis-understanding, no kich kich...nothing stupid. Anyways, I am too much of an "insensitive person" for a lot of people around me and have heard it from all of them. Many rather most of you might call my recoiling back to my childhood friends as a defense thingy, but I really don't care. Life is too complicated, so why bother fucking it up more yourself. And anyways, I feel comfortable about saying/doing anything I feel like in front of them.

Yippie so back to being excited about going to Goa. Will post about the trip once I am back from it. Hope to do some water sports and pacify the jealous me. I was so so so J when I heard about the Meister's parasailing experience. So, I am sure I am gonna do it this time.

Nothing more for now.

Happy Birthday Ma

She completes 60 today. I only wish, I could be 20% as good a human being that she is. I have said it n number of times and I will say it again, she is the strongest person, I have ever seen in my lifetime. I think anything more would be a waste, cause nothing I can say will be even close to describing her.

Happy Birthday Ma!

I don't know what to say really. I am so so hurt, sad, frustrated, angry...so much that the inside of my heart aches with the heaviness. Just day before, I was crying my heart out to this friend of mine and he kept saying I need to stop caring for people and things who don't see my love for them and today I read what I do. It's not the first time really that it was put so harshly across, I had heard it all before from the Meister, and perhaps from many stares, all those whose minds had been filled with the talk. But yet I believed that it would work out fine...once sometime had passed I would go back to sort things out and it would work. But perhaps for the first time today, it's stark on my face that it would not.

If only hating was as easy for me as loving is, I might too have opted for it and gone ahead with making hate posts and doing the hate talk. I know I am not at all expressive with what I feel but I never felt it was that important, so much so that not expressing it everyday translated to hate or envy. Such a foolish incident where I had let my guards down for a while could change so much, I never ever thought in my dreams.

Nonetheless, I do not blame, and I do so very selfishly. Doing that would only take away someting from the best I have in my heart, the memories, the connection that believed was special inspite of the odds. Infact so much so that I tried for two god damned years to fucking fit in, going totally against what I am to be what it might fucking take, but that didn't help did it? Do I wish to re-concile? I don't know really, if that could happen ever...but I swear on anything that I can that I no longer would make another girl friend, because when that ends it really hurts the worst. I could go on and on, but I would burst out crying if I wrote anything more.

KOHL All The Way!

Amidst a lot of drum rolls and trumpets, I announce to all and sundry "I finished one stick of kohl on my own."

Amazed faces? expected. Dissatisfied grunts, expected again. Loads of 'what the hells & hecks, EXPECTED! Try not being shocked and participating in my achievement, coz that really is not expected of anyone in this whole wide world.

I know, it is hardly a thing to perhaps finish a stick of kohl in a span of a year and more. But if you know me as a person, you exactly know how BIG a deal it is for me. I always have to give away or throw any cosmetic that I buy or have, cause I cannot even finish them half and the expiry thingy is over and they all find their smooth and dull ride to my dustbin. Sigh! isn't it. So, now can I expect some 'great job,' 'congratulation,' 'way to go girl,' and 'wishing you a life full of complete costmetic usage...'

I am typical tomboy when it comes to getting decked up and all and only started using make-up as late as say post my post-grad?? And even today, I can't spend even 5 minutes on a regular basis. Also, that everytime I had to throw away stuff, I had this urge to finish one of these thingies totally and then see how it feels to throw away stuff when its used to its potential ;)

Looking forward to buying a new one...Revlon it might be this time, as I heard they have real good kohl sticks ;)

I Kept Thinking After The Anonymous Comment...

In my post titled 'Back In Hyd,' someone anonymously commented "I haven't seen a girl bursting at seams with so many feelings for so many people," and I wonder how many other such things are not expected out of girls. I do not at all blame Mr/Ms anonymous for feeling the way s/he did, so please do not go explaining yourself, I already understand. It's just that we all are conditioned and cultured so well in this whole dichotomy of Girls and Guys that it is only natural of us to behave the way we do, expecting a girl to behave in a particular way and a guy in another. If anyone disobeys, we tend towards judging them, thus making life worth living, I suppose. After all, years of marination in the (popularly called) Indian ethics, culture, and values, can't go waste.

Very frankly, I don't see the point personally in not saying or writing the way you feel, as not saying it won't change a thing for the way you feel. I also do not see a point in stopping yourself from feeling a particular thing, cause anyways you have thought about it. I do not even see a foocking (as the meister puts it) point in then limiting the way a girl/guy is supposed to behave and react to things differently. I am sure all of us have gone through this forward that came a long time back, trying to highlight how biased our education system is. The forward was about this Hindi poem that is taught in the pre-primary or primary schools, it went something like this...

Ram uth, school jaa

Sita uth, pani bhar

Ram padhai kar

Sita roti bana....

I am not too sure about how it really was, but the essence was how we teach kids as young as 4-5 to acquire behaviors which perhaps might not come naturally to them. Just thinking, what would happen, if kids are not taught consciously or sub-consciously to behave as a girl or guy...would they behave more naturally or differently. I know, many who do not de-construct a given fact think all this as bull-shit and are completely aganist this line of thought. But where is really the harm in thinking??

P.S. - I am most certain that I am the most confused person you will ever come across.