Thursday, March 15, 2012

Fading Desires

I have been wanting & meaning to write for a very long time now. I have thought of witty one liners which had the potential to drag my sleeping brains out of the banality it has been cushioning itself in, pulsating ideas that crossed my thoughts like a flash, about the trivial complains that seemed larger than life to write about, & so much more. But every time I actually thought about writing it all down, the sheer effort of writing & thinking became humongous in front of the easier escapes of doing my daily chores.

I wonder if soon I will never write. The thought scares me, shakes me up & then follows a small, nondescript effort towards writing. Every time I delay a paragraph that was destined to be written, I feel this huge pang of guilt, I feel the faint gaze filled with disappointment & sadness far away from my hometown. The gaze that scares & shames me but that almost at the same time is pleading for me to come out of the trance that I have willingly entered. 

Life off-late has been too full of friends, family, & some more friends. It feels really good to be amidst so many people who you love. But then it sticks to you like a bad habit, a need you can't seem to shake off however hard you try. The isolation & the lonely corners that I had so painstakingly guarded all my adult life seems to be slipping away from me & out of my own accord. Almost like I am doing it willingly, at least when I look at it now in retrospect.  But it has been feeling good, almost happy state of being. But whenever a lonely moment sneaks up on me, I feel this surge of guilt, a guilt I can't seem to explain, a guilt for not being sad, for not writing, for not even trying to write of mundane things. That is the best way in which I can put it. 

I will write the entire day today, meaning the entire day while I am at work. Since, there isn't much left to do for the day here in my office. No pending tasks, my desk/computer/schedule looks almost clear. So, I have decided to write to shake myself off of the stupor I have gone into. I will write anything that comes to my head, complains, lines that appear like poetry in my head, beginning of stories that have always been there in head, confessions, whatever that flashes through my head. I need to get the shit out of the system to come back to feeling sacred about writing. I need to flush the smaller things that obstruct me from writing to be able to write more willingly, fluidly. The last few times I have written in the last one year or so, I have always felt stiff, like I am just doing it for the sake of it, just to keep up formalities with myself. Just so that I can please & not disappoint the inner me who still cherishes my dream of writing.

Blackness of the dark
eludes 
dizzy, happy eyes.

Denials linger
deep.
Death
seems to evade.

Pain 
never knocks
the sublime.
Dainty figurines
decorate lives.

Glass strewn floor
never pierces the marble cold flesh.

Sun continues
to play shadow
to decorate the empty corners.
Spiders crawl 
under the virgin skin of Artemis. 

Lost anger
appear in flashes
& then the realization, the wait
of the break-down
that melts existence. 

The desire to write the entire day fades after a meeting, lunch break, & a pep talk by the manager :(








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33 comments:

TO TOUCH THE HORIZON said...

Runa...I know what you went through...I usually can't write whenever am too happy. how I want to portray my thoughts..and then when I sit down to jot...boom...its all gone. the daily chores, the random schedules, friends parties and then the very essence of you vanishes.

Runa Tripathy said...

@ To Touch The Horizon - thanks for being so empathetic. I don't know why is it so that while we are happy, it feels like there is nothing substantial to write about...& sadness somehow brings out the best words inside of me. But then again, while I wrote this & even now I am not really sad, I am just tired of being happy should say :)

Thanks for taking the time to read my blog. Will visit yours rightaway :)

Mea Culpa said...

An artiste needs pain to express. So, I scoffed at this one liner in Rockstar, but heaven help me, its what makes me drag myself to my blog and write too.

Mundane is boring, happy is a state of being. Its sadness that really bring out the good words and the better metaphors. Happy, you live. Sad, you write. Or am I trivializing it?

Runa Tripathy said...

@Mea Culpa - no you are not at all trivializing...it's a good observation that we collectively bring forward :)

Siddharth Tripathy said...

Wonder how writing happened once

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Рынок бытовой электроники: "Эльдорадо" и "М.Видео" ведут переговоры об объединении закупок



Борьба таможни с "серым" импортом оказала неожиданное влияние на процесс консолидации розничного рынка бытовой электроники. Две крупнейшие российские сети "Эльдорадо" и "М.Видео" ведут переговоры об объединении закупок. В случае успеха переговоров на рынке бытовой электроники фактически образуется один крупнейший игрок, контролирующий более трети сегмента. В этом случае, опасаются вендоры, сети смогут диктовать производителям практически любые условия.



Факт переговоров "Эльдорадо" и "М.Видео" об объединении подтвердил президент Ассоциации торговых компаний и товаропроизводителей электробытовой и компьютерной техники (РАТЭК) Александр Пляцевой. "Мы позитивно оцениваем это намерение, оно повысит конкурентоспособность обеих компаний",- говорит Пляцевой.



Заместитель генерального директора "Эльдорадо" Евгений Михеев отказался подтверждать эту информацию. Однако пресс-секретарь "М.Видео" Надежда Киселева передала, что сети действительно ведут переговоры о совместных закупках непосредственно у прямых поставщиков. "Это делается с целью предотвращения "серого" импорта",- пояснила она.



Два крупнейших российских "электронных" ритейлера всегда представляли две разные концепции. И главным побудительным мотивом их возможного объединения может быть только общая опасность - "в данном случае проблемы с таможней". Последние десять дней ритейлеры даже не представляют себе, во сколько им может обойтись растаможка товара.



Напомним, на прошлой неделе ФТС обязала иностранных производителей электроники предоставить реальные прайс-листы, по которым техника будет проходить таможенную очистку. Пока производители не определили свою позицию, однако утверждают, что новая система недоработана и до назначенного ФТС срока (1 октября 2005 года) перейти на новую систему им не удастся.



Когда приходит такой " мегаклиент" и начинает командовать на том основании, что делает поставщику большую часть оборота,- это худшее, что может случиться. Например, в " М.Видео" уже со следующего года вступают в силу новые правила работы с поставщиками, по которым сильно увеличится отсрочка платежей. Если они объединят закупки, возможность их давления на поставщиков вплотную приблизится к возможностям западных сетей. В этом случае они смогут диктовать свои условия очень многим.



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