Bhakti...Love...& My Grandma

I was talking to serendipiduous about me and he mentioned two things which struck out -

1. I have a very masculine view of life

2. I am blindly/unconditionally in love with KT, which he finds inspirational.

About the first point, perhaps I will talk in a separate blog.

About the fact about blind love for KT, again I will talk about in a new post. Infact, I would ask KT to make a post about it too, or better we could do a post together. Because, amongst my very close friends in Hyd, I have known a lot of people who adore the fact that we have stuck with each other so long and love seeing us that way...and a few others who pretend they like it but abhor it at heart.

About the second again, somehow while talking to serendipiduous, I was reminded of mymama (a word for grandmother in oriya/chattisgarhi) when he said he might never know what love is.

She is somewhere between 80-90 years old and still insists on following all the rituals that her body allows her. Being the one, who used to accompany her to temples and the one who read out the Bhagvad Gita, The Krishna Puran, The Mahabharat, The Ramayana, while she could not read it herself, I generally have had a lot of time to talk to her about religion, rituals, and all the fasts she keeps, etc. Obviously enough, seeing her old and struggle through all her rituals and fasts, I have advised her innumerable times to skip them and take care of her health instead. That there is no need for such rituals and sometimes even tried to push my half-modern, half-formed views of atheism or better say lack of religious rituals or religion that I try to follow. She always resisted my attempts saying, it is important for her to do all those things, that Bhakti is the state that she wanted to attain, that is the only thing keeping her going at her age. It was hard for me to understand what she really meant by Bhakti. For my ignorant mind Bhakti most often than not translates to being religious and for me my grandma was infact very religious. Epitome perhaps.

Last time when I visited home, she wasn't keeping that well, so I spent a lot of my late morning hours with her helping her with her pooja and other stuff. Once, while I was reading out the Geeta to her, she asked me if I really understood what she meant by Bhakti. It was no use showing my malformed intelligence to her, she would have seen through it in a jiffy. So, I just nodded my head for a no, perplexed at having her read my mind. She very nicely explained, Bhakti was devotion, complete submission of the self, unconditional love....and many more synonyms followed. She said, when me and all my cousins were kids, she saw un-comparable bhakti in each of us, bhakti for our parents & grandparents, bhakti for our teachers, bhakti for our older siblings/cousins. And curious enough, I asked, doesn't she see it in us now? She didn't answer that directly, but instead said bhakti can be attained only by simplicity and you need a simple heart, mind, and soul for it. Fair enough, I thought.

While writing all this, I was visualizing mama in her bade bhittar (chattisgarhi for big inner room) with the new fan, I replaced this time I was home, making slow circles over her head, she staring at it, perhaps thinking about all her clan, about her childhood, waiting for one of us, one of her grandchildrens to return home, packing some of the goodies she always has hidden for us. Its funny, but she remembers how each one of us is fond of a particular delicacy only she makes and would bring it out from her wooden almirah, when we go to meet her even today. For me it was always, the sweet n sour aam papda she makes during summers :)

A plea,
a soft murmer
and a silence.
Your fingers tap
the rythm,
of my death
on a rosary
I panic
I cry
yet finally
I die-
I meet you in snow
and smile
a dying
yet so living a smile.

Smiles disappear

at times when I die

and reappear again with

a timeless birth.

Haunted pasts

flash

not like memories

but something more

alive and vivid.

Life told stories

and sang songs

when alive

now when dead

will it retell the same stories

of a yellow verandah

and chillies strewn

over the concrete tiled floor

A Song That Haunted me For Most Of This Weekend

aaj kal mein dhal gayaa, din huaa tamaam
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa, din huaa tamaam
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa

so gayaa chaman chaman, so gayi kali-kali
so gaye hain sab nagar, so gayi gali-gali
so gayaa chaman chaman, so gayi kali-kali
so gaye hain sab nagar, so gayi gali-gali
neend kah rahi hai chal, merii baanhe thaam,
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa

hai bujhaa-bujhaa sa dil, bojh saans-saans par
jee rahe hain phir bhi ham, sirf kal ki aas par
hai bujhaa-bujhaa sa dil, bojh saans-saans par
jee rahe hain phir bhi ham, sirf kal ki aas par
kah rahi hai chaandni, leke teraa naam,
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa

kaun aayegaa idhar, kiski raah dekhen ham
jinki aahten suni, jaane kiske the kadam
kaun aayegaa idhar, kiski raah dekhen ham
jinki aahten suni, jaane kiske the kadam

apnaa koi bhi nahin, apne hain to Raam,
tu bhi so jaa, so gayi, rang bhari shaam
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa
aaj kal mein dhal gayaa, din huaa tamaam

An amazing song from the movie Beti Bete, sung by Rafi & Lata. A must listen to all those who like Lata & Rafi and music in general. I sang/hummed this song on fiday night & saturday morning only to forget it for another 8-10 hours and remembered it on late saturday night. Posting it in here for future times when I have a blackout again and don't spend excruciating hours trying to remember it. Just heard the song five times and hoping many more rounds of it.

Collage Of Blog titles I came Across

Closure! oh! my poor poor sun While I have nothing To Write About

today I am in a mood to cry This explains a lot doesn't it the corrupt soul and i am Foocking dead

The Unknown Chronicles...We Shall Rebel Untitled

SILENT TEAR do you remember me?

2 of Us uptide and low tide, Sunshine Soul!, Achievement Unlocked

MY BEST Red-faced FIGHT!

Explicit Introduction

Lyrics - Poet and Guitar Project & Learning English

Caricatures for Deutsche Bank employees

Has the moon turned blue ??!!

Let Me Be

Each line is the title of more than one blog post...but it almost looks to me they went together. Am I delirious or is it true that it looks like they belong to each other?

While I have nothing To Write About.

While I have nothing to write about and I have been away from blogging for a while, I thought it best to make my presence felt by sharing few of my Fav Eddie Izzard's videos:

Do You Have A Flag? Cake Or Death?

Techno Fear: Part 1

Supermarket Psychology

Languages

Handshakes & Looking Cool

Machines That Lie

How To Choose A Martial Arts

I have been an Izzard fan for a while now, got to hear about him from a friend and since then have been hooked on and off. Its a must watch for all of you who like stand up comedian artists. Have fun Watching them.

About the Stupidest Post

After having taken my time to sort things in my own little head, I realize the post where I went on and on about ranting "how hurt and crushed I was...blah blah blah..." was the stupidest thing, I could have done. My bad, I really take back everything I said. It was an emotional moment and I slipped. I only pity that I did that. Its no excuse yet, I feel better having said that.

I am done and over with the drama about the whole thing. I hope, I can move on now. First thing towards moving on is I am going on this wonderful trip with my best friend ever to Goa...really really excited and looking forward to it. I realize, I should just stick to my 'triumphant trio' for friends and things work out just fine for me. No mis-understanding, no kich kich...nothing stupid. Anyways, I am too much of an "insensitive person" for a lot of people around me and have heard it from all of them. Many rather most of you might call my recoiling back to my childhood friends as a defense thingy, but I really don't care. Life is too complicated, so why bother fucking it up more yourself. And anyways, I feel comfortable about saying/doing anything I feel like in front of them.

Yippie so back to being excited about going to Goa. Will post about the trip once I am back from it. Hope to do some water sports and pacify the jealous me. I was so so so J when I heard about the Meister's parasailing experience. So, I am sure I am gonna do it this time.

Nothing more for now.

Happy Birthday Ma

She completes 60 today. I only wish, I could be 20% as good a human being that she is. I have said it n number of times and I will say it again, she is the strongest person, I have ever seen in my lifetime. I think anything more would be a waste, cause nothing I can say will be even close to describing her.

Happy Birthday Ma!

I don't know what to say really. I am so so hurt, sad, frustrated, angry...so much that the inside of my heart aches with the heaviness. Just day before, I was crying my heart out to this friend of mine and he kept saying I need to stop caring for people and things who don't see my love for them and today I read what I do. It's not the first time really that it was put so harshly across, I had heard it all before from the Meister, and perhaps from many stares, all those whose minds had been filled with the talk. But yet I believed that it would work out fine...once sometime had passed I would go back to sort things out and it would work. But perhaps for the first time today, it's stark on my face that it would not.

If only hating was as easy for me as loving is, I might too have opted for it and gone ahead with making hate posts and doing the hate talk. I know I am not at all expressive with what I feel but I never felt it was that important, so much so that not expressing it everyday translated to hate or envy. Such a foolish incident where I had let my guards down for a while could change so much, I never ever thought in my dreams.

Nonetheless, I do not blame, and I do so very selfishly. Doing that would only take away someting from the best I have in my heart, the memories, the connection that believed was special inspite of the odds. Infact so much so that I tried for two god damned years to fucking fit in, going totally against what I am to be what it might fucking take, but that didn't help did it? Do I wish to re-concile? I don't know really, if that could happen ever...but I swear on anything that I can that I no longer would make another girl friend, because when that ends it really hurts the worst. I could go on and on, but I would burst out crying if I wrote anything more.

KOHL All The Way!

Amidst a lot of drum rolls and trumpets, I announce to all and sundry "I finished one stick of kohl on my own."

Amazed faces? expected. Dissatisfied grunts, expected again. Loads of 'what the hells & hecks, EXPECTED! Try not being shocked and participating in my achievement, coz that really is not expected of anyone in this whole wide world.

I know, it is hardly a thing to perhaps finish a stick of kohl in a span of a year and more. But if you know me as a person, you exactly know how BIG a deal it is for me. I always have to give away or throw any cosmetic that I buy or have, cause I cannot even finish them half and the expiry thingy is over and they all find their smooth and dull ride to my dustbin. Sigh! isn't it. So, now can I expect some 'great job,' 'congratulation,' 'way to go girl,' and 'wishing you a life full of complete costmetic usage...'

I am typical tomboy when it comes to getting decked up and all and only started using make-up as late as say post my post-grad?? And even today, I can't spend even 5 minutes on a regular basis. Also, that everytime I had to throw away stuff, I had this urge to finish one of these thingies totally and then see how it feels to throw away stuff when its used to its potential ;)

Looking forward to buying a new one...Revlon it might be this time, as I heard they have real good kohl sticks ;)

I Kept Thinking After The Anonymous Comment...

In my post titled 'Back In Hyd,' someone anonymously commented "I haven't seen a girl bursting at seams with so many feelings for so many people," and I wonder how many other such things are not expected out of girls. I do not at all blame Mr/Ms anonymous for feeling the way s/he did, so please do not go explaining yourself, I already understand. It's just that we all are conditioned and cultured so well in this whole dichotomy of Girls and Guys that it is only natural of us to behave the way we do, expecting a girl to behave in a particular way and a guy in another. If anyone disobeys, we tend towards judging them, thus making life worth living, I suppose. After all, years of marination in the (popularly called) Indian ethics, culture, and values, can't go waste.

Very frankly, I don't see the point personally in not saying or writing the way you feel, as not saying it won't change a thing for the way you feel. I also do not see a point in stopping yourself from feeling a particular thing, cause anyways you have thought about it. I do not even see a foocking (as the meister puts it) point in then limiting the way a girl/guy is supposed to behave and react to things differently. I am sure all of us have gone through this forward that came a long time back, trying to highlight how biased our education system is. The forward was about this Hindi poem that is taught in the pre-primary or primary schools, it went something like this...

Ram uth, school jaa

Sita uth, pani bhar

Ram padhai kar

Sita roti bana....

I am not too sure about how it really was, but the essence was how we teach kids as young as 4-5 to acquire behaviors which perhaps might not come naturally to them. Just thinking, what would happen, if kids are not taught consciously or sub-consciously to behave as a girl or guy...would they behave more naturally or differently. I know, many who do not de-construct a given fact think all this as bull-shit and are completely aganist this line of thought. But where is really the harm in thinking??

P.S. - I am most certain that I am the most confused person you will ever come across.

A Nice Pic I Came Across

Words can perhaps only take away something that is so beautiful about this pic. So, I would leave it at this.

Back In Hyd

I am back from a longish vacation. Went to a lot of places - Mumbai, Bhopal, Raigarh, Raipur, Nagpur and back today. Loved every bit of the 18 days I was off...except for the train journey from Nagpur to Hyd. It was the worst thing that perhaps has happened to me and the Meister...though the Meister would call his stay in Nagpur the worst. The train was so damn hot with the pantry being just next to our sleeper coach, we kept getting spicy and hot wiffs of everything that was being cooked.

The journey to Mumbai was great. I spent a day there with Sam and made him spend a lot of money on me (out of his own wish, no force was applied). He is the best thing that happened to me in my class 3 and he continues to rock till today. I infact secretly loved him in my school years and the feeling keeps haunting me back on and off. From there we took a train to Bhopal, had loads of fun with Sam, who got lost in trying to understand what and why we feel the way we do for each other. I as usual made numerous faux pas when I kept passing comments on this guy, only to realize he was also going to Bhopal to attend the same wedding as us and from the guys side. Realized it only when we reached Bhopal and the groom came to pick him up :O

Bhopal was a different story altogether...with the wedding and work and all. Sam and me being the great friends that we are :) as always saved Priks ass. Won't mention the details of that here. Its too long a story. Apart from that, it was overall a very emotional experience, as seeing Priks getting married is as good as me getting married.

Post all the wedding work and all I was back in Raigarh. The heaven for me and many like me. Had the most amazing 15 days there, as many of my cousins had luckily took leave during the same time. So, partied harder than ever and spent loads of time together, going any and everywhere we could. I also got a lot of repair work done at home and made my parents proud of their daughter. Overall, it was a fulfilling trip to Raigarh, though everyone in my family took time out to explain to me how important it was for me to get married by end of this year and asked me to look for other greener (i believe) pastures if KT and his family are not ready for marriage by end of feb 2010. So, almost everyday, I had a 1:1 with someone or the other in my family.

Sam being Sam, came all the way back to Raigarh for two days to meet his mom and attend to some family matter and I believe ofcourse for me :). We took the train together from Raigarh while leaving, and so it was a little less painful for me. We as always, never slept and spoke almost till 5 in the morning. One of our co-passengers asked us to keep quite and sleep and so we had to move to neat the door, as our conversation just never ended. We discussed any and everything under the sun...which also included how both our families want us to get married to each other...something very convinient for them, as they have seen us since our childhood and would love to see us married. Though Sam has a GF and I have KT, though both of us still love each other equally....Bachpan Ka Pyaar and all that jazz ;)

After a very long night, I got off at Nagpur and Sam went to Mumbai. Nagpur was a tragic affair as it was so so so damn hot, that the Meister and myself almost started melting. The trian ride as I mentioned was even more horrible, but I troubled the Meister taking a lot of relationship advice and sharing my doubts and concerns. The dude inspite of never having been in a relationship still gives very sound advice and I really respect him for that.

After, being baked in the horrendous train for 10 hours was back in lovely Hyd at around 4:30 am and now back at work with my eyelids refusing to open as I have completed a marathon of three sleepless nights in a strech in all the exhaustion. Kudos, I say to myself.

Proud of my Dad!

I know, its kindda a redundant statement to make, everyone is proud of their Dad's, unless he is really not worth it. 

My dad finally launched his English weekly on the 21st May with the best reception any newspaper has got in our town. We have had a small printing house back at home, and since my grandfather's time we have this evening daily newspaper in hindi - Bayar. I always had heard my papa wishing and dreaming to start an English newspaper, but due to monitary issues, career concerns, and other family responsibilites he never could. But I am so happy that finally his dream came true. It's remarkable to see him at 59 and still having the strength to go achieve his dreams. I am so so so proud of him. It's a weekly English newspaper cum magazine with only 8 pages as of now...that too of a little smaller size than the normal biggish newspapers. 

In his speech in the lauch ceremony, he requested the city folks, "to not judge the newspaper by the size of it, as it is smaller, but said its an initial effort and would expand in terms of pages." He later added why he chose the size, "I decided to keep the size small, as in her growing up years, when I was trying to cultivate the habit of newspaper reading in my younger daughter, she used to come up with this wierd but practical excuse saying the newspaper was too big for her small hands, and it was such a pain to keep folding and opening it. So, this is for my daughter and a lot of such people who find it cumbersome to read large newspapers."

When I got to know about it, I actually remembered the painful mornings when my Dad used to ask me and my sister to read newspapers. I found it really a task to go through this ugly sheets. I am so happy, my Dad kept this in mind while coming up with his newspaper. I only and only wish that it is a success and Papa can achieve everything he has dreamed off. I really have no words to explain how happy, content, and proud I felt on the 21st evening. 

Scribbles - 1

Images float

at the back of my hut

and I still dare not dream

of the nights and days

that could have been.

We never could finish sentences in rhymes

nor could we repeat lines and couplets

but we used strokes and splashes 

of colors and winter afternoons

like a tribal frenzy.

In the moonlit night

fire, stories, and songs

could anything else fit better in a story?

We never had answers or questions

like rocks

What we had

slipped

like sand

from our thin long fingers

and some got stuck

in the crevices

and Dahlia would clean them

with her soft and melancholic hands

There were so many of those

hands

rough, soft, a dark brown, a sickly yellow, shiny palms

but they all loved us and fed us

those summer nights

the same hands would ruffle our hair and make us sleep

My neighbour, 

in her tattered slippers

and me with none

would run across to the other house

the bluish-purple berries

staining our cotton frocks

Yellow and Green afternoons

extended like

ghosts

and Ended.

The river sang Songs,

and we played Hopscotch,

we believed we entertained.

Golden Sqaures where people

scratched their old and wrinkled knees

Did they watch

Others wishing to live lives of the 

Kings & Queens in a pack of cards

Or Did they await death?

So much and many more

beautiful things of our childhood could perhaps 

go 

and write itself beautifully on our graves...

Had a new hairdo which cost me a bomb...debated a long while whether or not I could take such a lavish plunge when people everywhere are dying of hunger. Somehow, convinced myself of it and went ahead. Still feel extremely guilty for having splurged...perhaps it is a small town girl thing which I will never get over. Extravaganza never sits well with my conscience. That apart, the other effect of having spent the sum was sleek and sexy hair...hated it for the first few days but like it now and it gives me a more simple and sleek look somehow.

Started going to the gym again with a new friend made in office. She is pretty simple and nice, so its fun hanging out with her. Both of us have a blast at the gym, and try to shed a few fat flabs that we have.

Worked really hard on a great project at work...and was able to create a very grown up reporting for my team with a lot of graphs, numbers, and pivots :) It is a huge deal for me becuase I never was a number and graph person...

That's how the week was I guess.

The First Few Sketches & Paintings I Did

This birthday, the Meister recognizing my potential with the visual arts gifted me a grand set of poster colors, brushes, and a color palette. Thanks a ton to him, I now have a great way to utilize my time and learn something new. The sketch I did seeing it from one of the sketch books I bought for myself trying to learn how to sketch. I am so proud of myself that I did these, back at school I could not even draw a straight line or a good enough circle. I was really pathetic. I know, these are nothing great, but they give me hope that perhaps with more practise, I could realize one of my dream of painting and sketching good someday. 

Missed My Train :(

I have this recurring dream (though I see it in very long intervals of months or even years) where I miss a train in a particular station which is quite close by my hometown, usually it is Champa (a small town in Chattisgarh which sells very good samosaas, btw) some other times it is Jharsugda (another very small town in Orrissa, we relish the Chenapura from there).

It always happens the very same way in my dream, while my train is entering the station I think to myself that ok this is a station with a comparatively longer stopage but not long enough that I go out of the station to buy some wierd stuff or meet friends living in the city or I will miss the train. I also suddenly see sequences where I am interacting with my fellow passengers to whom I have been aloof all this while. The train finally stops, I get down, and straight walk out of the station, outside I am either in my old school, or college hostel, or any place which could not logically have been there. By the time I am back at the station, I can see the tail of the train smoothly gliding from the far end of the station. Sometime, I even run behind it and only once have I been able to catch it. Last night, in the dream, I asked an auto wala to take me to a nearest station so that I can catch the train there and we had an adventurous journey till the next station and I am able to catch the train. 

Another, recurrent dream is I am in a place where the airport and the railway station are next to each other and I always go to the railway station thinking it to be the airport and this sentry has to direct me back to the right place. On reaching the airport, I always have lost my flight ticket and have to go to this glass counter where I need to talk to the concerned guy and convince him to give me a new copy of the same ticket looking for my name in their database. Having done that, I manage to just reach on time and then I dream of different things while I am in the aircraft. 

Actually, come to think of it since childhood I have had a couple of such dreams which I keep coming back to time and again. I really really wish I could have their interpretations sometime.

Planted My Plants :)

In my last post I had mentioned about the initiatives our office took and is planning on taking on/for Earth day. As part of one of those initiatives indoor plants were distributed to all those who wanted them. Since, very few people showed interest, instead of one I got three plants to take home with me :)Since, all this was in the middle of the week, I did not get the time to buy pots and had to keep them in the mud sack they came in for almost two days. 

Saturday came in with a beautiful weather and a brother who kept calling and did not let me sleep in the afternoon arrrgh. With nothing much to do, I went out to buy pots for my pretty plants and got three prettiest pots possible (those ceramic ones, with very bright paintings on them). Then went to this street-side nursery to buy mud to fill the pots with...the auto guy was really really nice and helped me unload and carry the mud filled heavy pots to my apartment and did not even ask for extra money for all the waiting and carrying. In my house with the beautiful pots, I did all the cleaning, digging, and planting. It was quite a task to not harm the plants while taking them out of their sacks. I cleant and watered the plants and the pot and placed them in three corners in my living room. The fresh wet green of the plant and the shiny blue, brown, yellow paints of the ceramic make my whole room look so neat and lively. I love it.

Since the time, I planted them - me and my roommate have been oggling at the plants and trying to see if we need to water them or shift them here and there :)We almost are getting too attached to them in just two days. So, for anyone who needs a very nice hobby and wants to make their living room a little more pretty -Go ahead buy some plants.

Would try and post some pics of them once they grow a little. Till then, I shall have the fun of watching them grow and taking care of them, yay!

Earth Day!

Today is the Earth day and I think it is a nice time for each one of us to remind ourselves of terms like... renewable energy, planting trees, recycling stuff, optimal usage of natural resources and all.

Exactly two weeks back, our office in anticipation of today and its corporate social responsibility, asked us to submit ideas that we could come up with which we could use during this one week we decided to contribute to our environment. I usually am the last person in our office to submit and contribute towards any office activities...and I know it is nothing to be proud of. Yet, for a change I thought of submitting this idea that I feel very strongly for and about which I have been thinking for a while now - Reducing usage of or Removing Plastic Bags from our lives. 

After submitting this idea, I finally launched on my personal war against plastic bags, and amazingly enough I have not used them for exactly two weeks today. Though let me admit upfront that I was really really bad when it came to polluting earth with plastics. So, two weeks does seem a big deal. There are some problems that I am still looking solutions for some very genuine problems that I would face very soon. Like how do I buy pulses and rice and stuff like that if I am buying them from the supermarket. They usually come in packaged plastic bags. Also, how do I keep vegetables in the fridge. I usually used to buy them from the veg kiosks in plastic bags and stuff them directly in the fridge. I have heard about some plastic boxes but the whole idea seems cumbersome. 

I think the whole idea behind this post was to just make the presence felt of newbies in this field and give some comfort if at all any to those who are scared of taking the first step. I just wanted to say it loud that I am 26 and I have only taken my very first step towards making earth a cleaner and better place. Hope I  learn more as I venture forth. 

P.S. - Would love more ideas on how I could carry forth my mission against plastic bags further.

Is it too late or early?

Is it too late my luv?

to write...

to write all that I lived for

27

the count never stops

am I late for the only thing

that was supposed to be me?

A new life,

with all its new ways

beckons.

Yet I stay 

the very same way.

Still & silent.

The empty road

leads back to my house

just the way the other crowded one.

Is it a game?

I play to pass my time?

or is it nothing at all?

No longer 

I pretend

to be happy

and young.

I wish 

I live 

and love

till I die.