I don't know what to say really. I am so so hurt, sad, frustrated, angry...so much that the inside of my heart aches with the heaviness. Just day before, I was crying my heart out to this friend of mine and he kept saying I need to stop caring for people and things who don't see my love for them and today I read what I do. It's not the first time really that it was put so harshly across, I had heard it all before from the Meister, and perhaps from many stares, all those whose minds had been filled with the talk. But yet I believed that it would work out fine...once sometime had passed I would go back to sort things out and it would work. But perhaps for the first time today, it's stark on my face that it would not.

If only hating was as easy for me as loving is, I might too have opted for it and gone ahead with making hate posts and doing the hate talk. I know I am not at all expressive with what I feel but I never felt it was that important, so much so that not expressing it everyday translated to hate or envy. Such a foolish incident where I had let my guards down for a while could change so much, I never ever thought in my dreams.

Nonetheless, I do not blame, and I do so very selfishly. Doing that would only take away someting from the best I have in my heart, the memories, the connection that believed was special inspite of the odds. Infact so much so that I tried for two god damned years to fucking fit in, going totally against what I am to be what it might fucking take, but that didn't help did it? Do I wish to re-concile? I don't know really, if that could happen ever...but I swear on anything that I can that I no longer would make another girl friend, because when that ends it really hurts the worst. I could go on and on, but I would burst out crying if I wrote anything more.

KOHL All The Way!

Amidst a lot of drum rolls and trumpets, I announce to all and sundry "I finished one stick of kohl on my own."

Amazed faces? expected. Dissatisfied grunts, expected again. Loads of 'what the hells & hecks, EXPECTED! Try not being shocked and participating in my achievement, coz that really is not expected of anyone in this whole wide world.

I know, it is hardly a thing to perhaps finish a stick of kohl in a span of a year and more. But if you know me as a person, you exactly know how BIG a deal it is for me. I always have to give away or throw any cosmetic that I buy or have, cause I cannot even finish them half and the expiry thingy is over and they all find their smooth and dull ride to my dustbin. Sigh! isn't it. So, now can I expect some 'great job,' 'congratulation,' 'way to go girl,' and 'wishing you a life full of complete costmetic usage...'

I am typical tomboy when it comes to getting decked up and all and only started using make-up as late as say post my post-grad?? And even today, I can't spend even 5 minutes on a regular basis. Also, that everytime I had to throw away stuff, I had this urge to finish one of these thingies totally and then see how it feels to throw away stuff when its used to its potential ;)

Looking forward to buying a new one...Revlon it might be this time, as I heard they have real good kohl sticks ;)

I Kept Thinking After The Anonymous Comment...

In my post titled 'Back In Hyd,' someone anonymously commented "I haven't seen a girl bursting at seams with so many feelings for so many people," and I wonder how many other such things are not expected out of girls. I do not at all blame Mr/Ms anonymous for feeling the way s/he did, so please do not go explaining yourself, I already understand. It's just that we all are conditioned and cultured so well in this whole dichotomy of Girls and Guys that it is only natural of us to behave the way we do, expecting a girl to behave in a particular way and a guy in another. If anyone disobeys, we tend towards judging them, thus making life worth living, I suppose. After all, years of marination in the (popularly called) Indian ethics, culture, and values, can't go waste.

Very frankly, I don't see the point personally in not saying or writing the way you feel, as not saying it won't change a thing for the way you feel. I also do not see a point in stopping yourself from feeling a particular thing, cause anyways you have thought about it. I do not even see a foocking (as the meister puts it) point in then limiting the way a girl/guy is supposed to behave and react to things differently. I am sure all of us have gone through this forward that came a long time back, trying to highlight how biased our education system is. The forward was about this Hindi poem that is taught in the pre-primary or primary schools, it went something like this...

Ram uth, school jaa

Sita uth, pani bhar

Ram padhai kar

Sita roti bana....

I am not too sure about how it really was, but the essence was how we teach kids as young as 4-5 to acquire behaviors which perhaps might not come naturally to them. Just thinking, what would happen, if kids are not taught consciously or sub-consciously to behave as a girl or guy...would they behave more naturally or differently. I know, many who do not de-construct a given fact think all this as bull-shit and are completely aganist this line of thought. But where is really the harm in thinking??

P.S. - I am most certain that I am the most confused person you will ever come across.

A Nice Pic I Came Across

Words can perhaps only take away something that is so beautiful about this pic. So, I would leave it at this.

Back In Hyd

I am back from a longish vacation. Went to a lot of places - Mumbai, Bhopal, Raigarh, Raipur, Nagpur and back today. Loved every bit of the 18 days I was off...except for the train journey from Nagpur to Hyd. It was the worst thing that perhaps has happened to me and the Meister...though the Meister would call his stay in Nagpur the worst. The train was so damn hot with the pantry being just next to our sleeper coach, we kept getting spicy and hot wiffs of everything that was being cooked.

The journey to Mumbai was great. I spent a day there with Sam and made him spend a lot of money on me (out of his own wish, no force was applied). He is the best thing that happened to me in my class 3 and he continues to rock till today. I infact secretly loved him in my school years and the feeling keeps haunting me back on and off. From there we took a train to Bhopal, had loads of fun with Sam, who got lost in trying to understand what and why we feel the way we do for each other. I as usual made numerous faux pas when I kept passing comments on this guy, only to realize he was also going to Bhopal to attend the same wedding as us and from the guys side. Realized it only when we reached Bhopal and the groom came to pick him up :O

Bhopal was a different story altogether...with the wedding and work and all. Sam and me being the great friends that we are :) as always saved Priks ass. Won't mention the details of that here. Its too long a story. Apart from that, it was overall a very emotional experience, as seeing Priks getting married is as good as me getting married.

Post all the wedding work and all I was back in Raigarh. The heaven for me and many like me. Had the most amazing 15 days there, as many of my cousins had luckily took leave during the same time. So, partied harder than ever and spent loads of time together, going any and everywhere we could. I also got a lot of repair work done at home and made my parents proud of their daughter. Overall, it was a fulfilling trip to Raigarh, though everyone in my family took time out to explain to me how important it was for me to get married by end of this year and asked me to look for other greener (i believe) pastures if KT and his family are not ready for marriage by end of feb 2010. So, almost everyday, I had a 1:1 with someone or the other in my family.

Sam being Sam, came all the way back to Raigarh for two days to meet his mom and attend to some family matter and I believe ofcourse for me :). We took the train together from Raigarh while leaving, and so it was a little less painful for me. We as always, never slept and spoke almost till 5 in the morning. One of our co-passengers asked us to keep quite and sleep and so we had to move to neat the door, as our conversation just never ended. We discussed any and everything under the sun...which also included how both our families want us to get married to each other...something very convinient for them, as they have seen us since our childhood and would love to see us married. Though Sam has a GF and I have KT, though both of us still love each other equally....Bachpan Ka Pyaar and all that jazz ;)

After a very long night, I got off at Nagpur and Sam went to Mumbai. Nagpur was a tragic affair as it was so so so damn hot, that the Meister and myself almost started melting. The trian ride as I mentioned was even more horrible, but I troubled the Meister taking a lot of relationship advice and sharing my doubts and concerns. The dude inspite of never having been in a relationship still gives very sound advice and I really respect him for that.

After, being baked in the horrendous train for 10 hours was back in lovely Hyd at around 4:30 am and now back at work with my eyelids refusing to open as I have completed a marathon of three sleepless nights in a strech in all the exhaustion. Kudos, I say to myself.