Madness

I am a very competitive person.
I believe in finding every opportunity & grabbing it by the head.
I believe people have to find their own paths & follow it at their own pace, no one is going to hand it over to them.
I believe, non-performers should be given their bit.
I believe non-performers know that are not performing & a bad rating or review, should not take them by surprise. If it does, then something more than what you think is wrong.
I believe hard-work with excellence makes a terrific combination for success & reward.


After having said all that, I also admit that I am getting tired of the the pressure to perform, constantly & every breathing moment of my work life. I have been one of the good performers & I believe my company takes me as one of the many assets it has working for them. But with every passing day, I am getting breathless by the mad frenzy that I am getting into to out-perform. I have always gotten things by working hard for it (just in my office context)& therefore, I know that if I stop competing & out-proving myself, success would be lost on its way to me. I have done this for the past three & a half years that I have worked, & now suddenly I feel what a heavy burden it is do continue to do so on an everyday basis. Frankly, at this point I almost feel like everyone around, including me is scrambling. It would have been easier if people followed the work they have been given but then it would almost feel like working in a govt. organization, with no one taking initiatives, no one to look up to, etc. But seriously, it almost feels like a task now, when I am lil up on the ladder to come up with something more than just my core job, as I have already covered the smaller initiatives, I could have taken in the past three years. Now, its all the more difficult to keep up the pace at which I have performed. To add to all that, I have moved to something totally new & I am still grappling with it. To even be able to think of something to improve or add to seems herculean. I wish, I was capable of taking out a cat or better even a rabbit out of my hat, cause I constantly feel that is what is expected of me. The constant stare, (may be imaginary) is making me loose my calm, & the heat only adds to the feeling.


I am jittery, I am fumbling, I am under pressure, the only thing lacking is I am not being over-worked, as I am in training. End of it all, I think I am getting burnt out & frustrated. It is not even helping taking it slow & one step at a time. I am not cribbing really about the way corporate works, I liked it up-till a point, but now, it is adding to my frustration - the constant pressure to perform. Why can't it sometimes be enough to just do a good job & the day ends happily there????

Loss

What do you do, when someone you wanted to write about dies, suddenly & unannounced? When you do not even get to see them in their last few days, to ask & see all those quaint things about them, so you can etch it in your memory for the future? Do you weep, like one of the family? Or do you crush your insides in this hollow feeling you have?

I am sure you won't cry, because though you loved them, you were not necessarily were in the habit of them in your lives, or sometimes you may. It's just this empty loss you feel, like perhaps what melancholy would feel. You regret not going home for that last one time, so you could see them fighting their last battle, living the last few days, just like they used to. Going to the Pan shop & laughing with their friends, talking to the young ones of their good old days, descending down the steep path to the river for the mid noon winter dip, sitting on the ghats (river bank) bantering with friends & neighbors, applying mustard oil to their now skinny but once muscular body. It just feels like a waste that you had to stay at this mushrooming city for a ridiculous job which stopped you from visiting home. From going to that forlorn house which sat quaintly blue between the row of semi-concrete & semi-mud houses. The doors of which, opened by two tiny girls, led to a room, which felt soothing & just right after the long walk in the blazing heat of my hometown.

Last time, when for a early morning cricket frenzy, you saw him playing, he was batting with his oldest & perhaps dearest friend at the other end of the pitch. Both were friends from the times when they reveled in the heroism of their youth. But now, seeing them play at their 40 odd years was comic. At one point in the game, you saw them both taking a run, running towards the same side of the pitch. I had laughed my teen laugh with the group & he had come back to sit with us & ruffled my hair. I think he liked the fact that he had been part of the joke that made people laugh so early in the morning. Anyways, people in my hometown, go to such things only to share some happy moments with their friends, before they get consumed in their everyday life. I as a kid, used to follow my brother to these games & always wondered why are they insane enough to miss out on their morning sleep, but being an adult I understand, how important it must have been for them, while their youth had passed by, they were still holding on to images which reminded them of it.

I could perhaps write on & on about it, but it is not my pain to share, though I feel the loss equally, because anyone who wishes to write & belongs to the town I belong to, would surely have observed Sunil Chowbey, Sunil Chacha, like a child observes the wonders around, sucking in all that was him, for someday when they are able to do justice to what he was in any of the stories we are able to write...